Up Periscope

Dolphin Code

The Dolphin Code was a method of encrypted communications designed to enable submarines, submariners, ship captains, helicopter pilots, anti-submarine aircraft to speak to each other in areas of submarine operations or in many cases, social and domestic activities surrounding people of "The Trade". This version has been modified for Australian conditions.

1. Your last surfacing procedure was:

A. First class.
B. Surprisingly good.
C. Understandably awful.
D. Indescribable.

2. I presume you got your ticket in a raffle.

3. For the last serial you could have used any fishing vessel.

4. My battery is:

A. 100%, I will simulate a Nuclear Submarine if you wish.
B. 75%, I will simulate a Nuclear Submarine for a short time if you wish.
C. 50%, I will not simulate a Nuclear Submarine, regardless of your wish.
D. 25%, I wish to simulate a Conventional Submarine, and will hot-pipe if you wish.
E. DEAD, I hot-pipe now, regardless of your wish.

5. I was unaware that medical standards had been revised. You must be blind as a bat.

6. During the last action you displayed noticeably suicidal tendencies.

7. Once again you have demonstrated a commendable ability to practise basics.

8. The last serial was so bad that we watched a double feature.

9. Your exercise instructions are simple. Simply awful.

10. I am unable to act as evasively as I wish.

11. I am unable to act as unevasively as you wish.

12. I am surfaced (surfacing) because:

A. I must make repairs.
B. I wish to bale out water.
C. Your chances of locating me are negligible otherwise.
D. I wish to barbecue the next meal.

13. I must temporarily withdraw from the exercise because of difficulties with:

A. Technical systems which are to difficult to explain.
B. Battery/motors/generators, I no go right.
C. Sonar, I no hear right.
D. Ingress of water, I no float right.
E. Fire/smoke, I no breathe right.
F. Personnel, I no lead right.

14. Please accept my apologies for failing to make the assigned rendezvous. My reason is as follows:

A. The navigator is a Newfoundlander.
B. I was doing something else at the time and didn't think you'd miss me.
C. I erroneously assumed that you would be where you said you would be.
D. My navigational equipment has not been updated since the Boer War.

15. If you don't ask me to raise more masts I won't ask you to fly with your wheels in the water.

16. Your last attack is assessed as follows:

A. Excellent, within 500 yards.
B. Good, within 1000 yards.
C. Marginal, 1000 to 2000 yards.
D. Poor, over 2000 yards.
E. Awful, over 3000 yards.
F. Unmeasurably distant.

17. It is difficult to believe that you and I are operating in the same ocean.

18. Your message (Date/Time/Group ________):

A. Appears to have been drafted hastily.
B. Does little to foster good relations.
C. Is a shining example of illiteracy.
D. Is not held by this unit.
E. Is held by this unit, but we wish it wasn t.
F. Requires the sort of reply I am not used to making.
G. Was a crippler.
H. B.O.H.I.C.A. (bend over here it comes again).

19. When we were surface sailors we also used to do silly things.

20. If you decide to graduate to advanced exercises, please hire
a different submarine.

21. If you ask me to fire another smoke, I'll scream.

22. Submarines never cheat and rarely lie.

23. It's a pity that in wartime we d be on the same side.

24. Your approach to the problem was impossible but tactically sound.

25. A. Your helicopter frightened me.
B. Your helicopter didn t frighten me.
C. I frightened your helicopter.
D. I wasn't aware you had a helicopter airborne.

26. A. Thank you for your valuable assistance.
B. Had assistance been rendered, I would have been thankful.
C. No, thank you, I do not require assistance.
D. Please do not render assistance, I need your help like
a hole in the head.

27. You have been on task for several hours. You must be suffering terribly from crew fatigue.

28. We have been on task for several weeks. Next week we will probably begin to suffer from crew fatigue.

29. Tracking without attacking is the commonest form of military masochism.

30. I suppose the worsening weather will mean you ll have to stop the war.

31. The adverse weather is affecting us greatly: The movie projector has tipped over twice.

32. If you're so good why aren't you in submarines?

33. Submariners do it deeper.

34. Submariners think deeper.

35. Deep down you know it makes sense.

36. Submariners are super.

37. Submariners have bigger balls.

38. Diesel boats forever.

39. Black is beautiful.

40. Breaker one nine, this is rubber duck, I think we got us a convoy.

41. Ten Four.

42. Please be gentle, this is my first time.

43. We think the water has been sufficiently ensonified. Maybe
you should try something else.

44. You have the uncanny ability to complicate a very simple exercise.

45. Intelligence is a God-given gift. Doorknobs are man-made. Mental midgets only have God's love. Is my point clear?

46. After working with you I now realize why some animals eat their young.

47. My CO and XO can outdrink your CO and XO.

48. When someone is as good as me it's hard to be modest.

49. Happiness is 500 ft in force 12.

50. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

51. Don't knock a stern shot until you ve fired one.

52. If you provide the fresh water, I'll provide:

A. Soap.
B. Towels.
C. 60 dirty bodies.
D. Whiskey.
E. All of the above.

53. G.O.Y.A.

54. D.B.S.F.W.

55. B.U.F.F.S.

56. P.P.P.P.P.P.

57. S.M.F.

58. With sub-killers like you around, I look forward to a long life.

59. Missed me again.

60. Can I go home now?

61. We may be small but we're slow.

62. My bite is worse than my bark.

63. I was delayed in returning to periscope depth because:

A. A large whale was holding me down.
B. I forgot to vent my depth gauge.
C. I was waiting for the last reel to finish.
D. I had to resolve my plot.
E. I wasn't sure if I knew that you knew where I was.
F. I wanted to annoy you.

64. Many thanks for:

A. Your kind hospitality.
B. The newspapers.
C. The skin books.
D. Nothing.

65. Excuse me sir, but I think you have confused me with someone who gives a damn.

66. My reports/reply/message/letter was (will be) late for the following reason(s):

A. Writer's cramp.
B. Typewriter unserviceability due to overheating.
C. My priority list didn't coincide with yours.
D. We didn't think you'd notice.
E. I plain forgot.
F. The XO plain forgot.

67. R.P.C. for:

A. Noon cocktails.
B. Informal operational discussion.
C. Post-exercise punchup.
D. Light meal and refreshments.
E. Sarnies and sludge.

68. M.R.U. because:

A. I am otherwise operationally committed.
B. I am otherwise socially committed.
C. Your last such event was disastrous.
D. I am unable to maintain your pace.
E. I don t want to come.

69. W.M.P.:

A. You offer so few invitations I can't afford to
pass up this one.
B. Let's do it again.
C. for a short time.
D. For as long as you'll have me.
E. With bells on.

70. Your social event was:

A. First class. Thank you.
B. Disastrous, as expected.
C. One which should never be repeated.
D. Most detrimental to health.
E. A crashing bore. Better luck next time.

71. Unbelievable. Will advise Mr. Ripley.

72. A. Very well done.
B. Well done.
C. Well done. Sort of.
D. Not well done.
E. Badly done.
F. Very badly done.
G. Don't do it again.
73. Have lost the bubble. Will retrieve.

74. Bubble found.

75. What can I say?

76. Reason(s) is (are) as follows:

A. I goofed.
B. XO goofed.
C. Somebody goofed.
D. Inattention, for which some son-of-a-bitch will pay.
E. Temporary decline in usual high standards.
F. Another example of usual low standards.
G. I thought I could get away with it.
H. Misdirected malapropism.
I. Lapsus lingae.

77. This port is:

A. Fantastic. Better not send surface ships here.
B. Outstanding. Can we come again?
C. Reasonable.
D. Not the sort of place Submariners should visit.
E. Hostile.
F. Only good for storm avoidance.
78. Wish you were here.

79. Bet you wish you were here.

80. Glad you're not here.


82. Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa.

83. Mea Maxima Culpa


85. You beauty.

86. Fair suck of the:
a. Pineapple
b. Sav

87. Don't mushroom me, I'll mushroom you.

88. Having a smashing time (?)

89. All great discoveries are made by mistake.

90. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

91. A failure will not occur until submarine has passed ORE.

92. Ch, yes - we remember you.

93. I hate Mondays.

94. Spare

95. Your lay-apart store is:
a. Loaded with debris as after raid on Entebbe
b. Load of shit
c. Shitty
d. Dolphin 55
e. Surprisingly tidy

96. An empty wharf is:
a. Happiness
b. Not a spare lay-apart store
c. Inboard boat's responsibility

97. Don't fight:
a. Us (the staff)
b. Each other
c. The green
d. FXP
f. Get knotted

98. Spare

99. Spare

100. All's well that ends well

101. I say, isn't this fun?

102. Bollocks.

103. If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined.

104. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

105. Fish heads give me the shits.

106. And after that I suppose you'd like me to say thank you.

107. Why do 1 always get the easy ones?

108. If you'll stop telling the world your life story, we can get on with killing this F***ing submarine.

109. You're a F***ing liability on this net - shut up.

110. Your R/T is elegant, impressive, lucid but it is not brief..

111. If all I can get out of you is "Roger, wait" there's absolutely no point in my being here. Buck up or I F*** OFF.

112. The general idea was that you. were out here to zap my contact, if the best you can do is sail in circles F***ing up the water, may I suggest that you can be better employed back in the screen - Sir?

113. It looks like the watch has changed in the Ops room.

114. The staff are active again, the Admiral must be up and about..

115. 1 know you've got the world and his wife breathing down your necks in there, but for F***s' sake get a grip and employ us usefully.

116. No doubt your Mother thinks you're God's gift to aviation. Frankly at the moment you're in the way, we're busy - don't call us, we’ll call you.

117. There's something you've forgotten/F***ed up. Cast an eye/ear around and see if you can sort it out before someone important notices.

118. My arse is sore, advance Charlie time and you've won a friend.

119. Whilst 1 have the necessary fuel, skill and experience for the task you suggest, I do not hunger for glory. Please feel free to give it to someone else, I won't be upset.

120. Sorry.

121. Concur.

122. Not sorry.

123. Even sorrier, come round and claim your beer as convenient.

124. Take first the beam from thine eye - dork.

125. Wanker.

126. Aircrew are. all brown hatters.

127. Aircrew and fisheads should be friends.

128. I suppose that one way and another you think you're a pretty good kid.

129. I must have a chat with you about your sense of humour.

130. F*** me, he's doing it again.

131. Get off my back and sort your own problems out wise guy.

132. I've got lots more up my sleeve.

133. Be nice to him, he had a broken upbringing.

134. Who pulled your string? Piss off.

135. Wank, wank.

136. Seriously folks, you were F***ing dreadful.

137. 1 wish I could help you but I forgot my Nuco/Authentication/ Ramrod etc..

138. Mother's keeling to her PIM as usual, I see.

139. Spare

140. Has the MLA changed or are they just going a funny zig-zag.

141. Haven't a clue sport, Which one is Mother anyway?

142. Is it something I've said?

143. Either you're in my section or I'm in yours.

144. Mine - dork.,

145. I was wondering when you'd notice, let's split it down the MLA and argue the toss later.

146. Listen wings, up to now we've been getting along handsomely, if however you continue to come out with crap like that you may come in line for a few hostile vibes.

147. Spare

147. Your R/T and ;appreciation of the situation are above average today. Don' t let it go to your head but I d like you to know it’s been noticed.

149. Okay, Rubber Lips. Take the marbles out of your mouth, relax and pass your message again in a calm, lucid and concise manner.

150. If you were in my squadron/ship you'd be in line for a bollocking on the strength of that.
a. Pineapple
b. Sav

151. When I want the hired hand to chip in, I'll let you know.

152. I don’t fancy these sectors much, let’s move around a little to do something more sensible, they’ll never notice.

153.. You’re too senior for me to say anything else. but you can imagine what's going through my mind, can’t you sir.

154. Is it something I've said?

155. What you really mean is that you've run out of coffee, but for the sake of appearances, I'll pretend to believe you.

156. Too early - they'll send you back out with a spare.

157. You are-a wag.

158. You mean to say that you never make mistakes.

159. You're right, I blow it but that doesn't entitle you to be cheeky.

160. We are not amused, pilot, report to me after recovery with suitably humbled stooping gait, bowed head and bar chit book.

161. You'll be asking me to authenticate my authentication next.

162. It's all yours, sailor, I'm off to eat my night flying supper.

163. He's not still doing his joining message, is he?

164. There must be a better way than this.

165. If you didn't believe the last gridlocks, for F***s' sake say so, instead of cluttering up the air keeping on asking for more.

166. If you're trying to crack me, forget it - you're far too late.

167. Thank you.

168. It's that F***ing ship again.

169. You handle your aircraft with a certain panache,-but then it must be difficult flying such an agricultural device smoothly.

170. I don't even like eating crab.

171. Transferring your mail by winch is a demanding enough pastime, - either you keep the F***ing ship still or you get wet mail.

172. Relax chaps, the A team have arrived.

173. 1 don't know. how we were coping without, but we're prepared to give it a go.

174. So long, thank you for brightening an otherwise unremarkable sortie..

175. Go shit in your hat.